


Stop apologizing

by Nominhelpme



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Changkyun deserves a hug, FUCK, I hate no mercy :'), I was gonna rewatch it so i could have the plot be more accurate but id rather, Kihyun is going to try :(, M/M, No mercy more like it hurts my heart lmao 😎, Romantic Soulmates, Shoot myself in the elbow than relive that pain lol, Shownu wise as shit lmfao, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, changki rise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:34:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27440533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nominhelpme/pseuds/Nominhelpme
Summary: Changkyun is too scared to think anything, he doesn't want Kihyun to know and hate him even more than he does now. His first thought since he joined them is when he’s selected as the sixth member of Monsta X.“I don’t deserve this.”Gunhee and jooheon are soulmates in this as well.... ouchie
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun, Lee Jooheon/Song Gunhee | #GUN
Comments: 2
Kudos: 84





	Stop apologizing

**Author's Note:**

> Soulmate AU   
> You can hear the thoughts of your soulmate. Sometimes you can unconsciously enter the "soulmate nook." And have your soulmate have to listen to your thoughts. If you're feeling strong enough emotions, your soulmate may feel a little bit of them as well.   
> This is during No Mercy so ouchie

The familiar voice filled his head again, pointless thoughts that weren't directed at him but instead a too deep in thought soulmate to notice his thoughts leaking from the mental barrier into the small nook used to communicate with one’s soulmate, something Changkyun never allowed himself to open, hell he hardly even let himself  _ think _ . Kihyuns eyes stared at himself in the mirror, all of them going through the choreo for another No Mercy mission.  _ Come on, Kihyun. You know how to do this. _ His Hyung finally fixed his footing, Shownu and Hyungwon physically relaxing as Kihyun kept pace with them now. They wouldn't have to restart again. Well, they shouldn't have… until Changkyun tripped over his own feet, a particularly loud thought filling his head, Kihyun had internally shouted in joy when they neared the end and it felt like it had split his head in two. A loud groan came from Minhyuk, the familiar eyes of the older glaring daggers at the back of his head. Changkyun pretended not to notice, bile rising up his throat. He just had to ruin everything again. Jooheon quickly brought the energy back up, taking the attention off of the new trainee, bringing more energy out of himself for the next redo. Sour thoughts from Kihyun filled his mind,  _ really? After I finally get it,  _ _ you _ _ just had to mess it up?  _ Changkyun pushed back any tears that may have been building up, trying to forget how Kihyun had basically dipped the words with venom, sour feelings hugging the thought that forced its way into Changkyuns head.

If he could he would  _ cut their bond _ . The thought is so loud and intense that Changkyun can  _ feel _ Kihyuns own mood sour more, thankfully the other hadn't heard Changkyun’s thoughts but instead felt a sprinkle of his emotions. Immediately, the youngest shoved the thoughts further into his subconscious, trying to hide his feelings from the soulmate nook, cowering from the other not only in ]real life but in what should be their own little safe spot. How could he even be Kihyuns soulmate? It's not like Kihyun was the biggest Changkyun supporter and it's not like Changkyun deserved someone like him either. Without realizing, the song was over and half of the boys had left the practice room. Two remained behind, not including himself. Kihyun continued to practice the particular move he continued to mess up before as Minhyuk walked towards Changkyun. "You need to work harder." The older seethed, raising a threatening finger towards the black-haired boy, the appendage pressed against the center of his chest, "it's bad enough you came when you did, riding off our hard work, don't think you can keep doing that. Work harder. Work better." His insults were strengthened by his finger mercilessly jabbing against the younger boys’ chest, surely leaving small red marks behind. Changkyun nodded, "yes, Hyung." And so he did. Long after Kihyun left, not even glancing at Changkyun as he stood from the ground and walked out the only pair of doors, the boy stayed in the dimly lit room, sweat soaking the floor as he repeated their choreography over. He was still there by the time the others all walked in the next day.

Jooheon looked furious until his eyes landed on Changkyun, eyebrows furrowing. Had he been here all night? 

The question hung in the air, silent in the loudest way possible. Nobody asked though, they stretched their legs and arms, looking anywhere but at the puddle of sweat that had formed beneath the younger boy, his shoes squeaking against the floor, identical to that sound you'd hear in hallways on a rainy day. Hyungwon was the first to finish, his tall legs folding up beneath himself before pushing up, standing upright. He walked forward and stood behind Changkyun, reaching a hand out to slap it down on the other's shoulder. Changkyun froze, looking at his Hyung through the mirror. "From the top." The blond mumbled, stepping back to his position, the other members getting in line as well. Changkyun nodded and let his legs move on autopilot as the song came to life from the beginning. He moved easily, exactly on the beat and in time with the others. The only issue was the little black spots that began to cloud his vision. His loud pants filled the room. It felt heavy, the sound of the music falling on deaf ears as they all subconsciously focused on Changkyun. 

The second the song ended he let himself fall forward, knees roughly smacking against the ground. His body slumped and his forehead made contact with the puddle of sweat below him. Jooheons eyes went wide and he quickly went up to his fellow rapper, Gunhee close behind. "Hey… Changkyun? Dude, can you hear me?" Gunhee carefully lifted up the youngest rapper's head, glazed over eyes staring back. Jooheon cringed and looked back towards Shownu and Wonho, "can one of you carry him back to the dorm?" A quiet thought filled Changkyun’s mind,  _ waste of time. _ And he immediately sat up, eyes wide with panic, "no! I'm fine. Just needed to rest my head against something cool," not completely a lie, "I'm fine now. We have to work on our rap." This was more directed towards Jooheon, who was glaring down at him. "As if!" He shouted, trying to drag Changkyuns body up, Gunhee quickly helped. With Changkyun now on his feet, they watched as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, body going limp for a second before he caught himself. "I'm seriously f-fine. I have to work harder." Minhyuk inhaled sharply. "Come on," Changkyun grabbed Jooheon by the arm, heavy steps thumping against the ground as he dragged his only, kind of, friend. 

_ Stupid. _

With a quick pull, Changkyun stepped into the hallway and let himself lean against Jooheon more, shaking his head when the older asked if he was okay. "I need to work harder to belong here." The silence that followed was proof enough that Jooheon, as much as he tried to act like he didn't, agreed. Against his own morals, Jooheon leads Changkyun to their separate practice room. He let's the younger take the more comfortable chair, himself sitting on the stool. "Let's only go over it a couple of times, then we can go to the dorms." Changkyun nodded and picked up the notepad Jooheon had slid across the table. He opened his mouth and began to rap.

"Again."

"Again."

"That's enough." Changkyun felt tears brim his eyes, raising his hands quickly to cover his face. "Sorry." Jooheon shook his head, dismissing Changkyuns sorrow filled eyes. "Nah, it's fine you've had a rough day but you still got better than yesterday. I'm sure tomorrow, after sleeping well, you'll be able to do it on your first try." Changkyuns heart swelled at the small praise and he felt a little more awake as he asked, "Want me to listen to yours?" Jooheon smiled and began. It wasn't often but he had a few moments where he began stumbling over his words at a particularly fast part, but with the help of Changkyun, he perfects his lines the second try. "Alright," the older rapper mumbles, standing up, "let's get you back to the dorms." 

The door to the dorm clicks open upon their arrival, multiple eyes immediately landing on them. Jooheon says hello to everyone as Changkyun keeps his head down, walking with a silent limp towards his shared room. Jooheon let's go of him when he's inside, making it back outside to talk to the others. Changkyun silently drags himself to the bed, laying down. The second his head hits the pillow, he feels like throwing up. He quickly rolls over and blindly reaches for a bucket. He can't find it. Fingers make contact with his back, splaying across the middle of his spine in a welcomed pressure. Right after, the bucket is placed directly below his face. Soothing rubs are applied as he feels his entire body convulse, heaving up what little food he had left in him. It was mainly water and stomach acid, as he hadn't eaten today and only had breakfast yesterday. "Let it out." He hears a familiar voice, Gunhees, mumble. Tears mix with the vomit and he's crying so hard he's choking. With worry clouding his mind, Gunhee roughly hits him on the back, not enough to hurt the other but enough to make him cough once more. With one final gut-wrenching gag, Changkyuns body gives out and he nearly falls face-first into the mess he created. A pair of arms catch him though, and Changkyun allows his body to be raised back onto the bed, allows a blanket to cover him and allows himself to think maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be better. Gunhee leaves the room for a minute before returning with a small towel. He places it over the younger boys forehead, smiling slightly when he shivers at the cold water drenching the towel. 

Tomorrow was not better. He had made it through another elimination but the guilt was worse than ever.  _ That should've been me _ . Or,  _ I shouldn't even be here _ thoughts racing around his mind on repeat. He just barely managed to keep his emotions in check, not wanting to allow Kihyun to feel anything that may give him away. Though, he knew, the other would find out soon enough. The thought made him sick but he swallowed it down, quietly walking with Gunhee and Jooheon, head hung low. Gunhee threw an arm over his shoulders and pulled him a little closer, Jooheon hanging off the eldest rapper's other arm, "Good job, guys." He smiled, and then turned his attention to Jooheon, smirking, "But I'll be taking that number 1 next mission." He teased lightly, reaching his hand up, rubbing at the boy's head with his knuckles. Jooheon chuckled softly, swatting his hand away, "uhuh, sure." Changkyun smiled up at them, they were cute. Immediately when joining, Changkyun knew the two were soulmates, they wouldn't be looking at each other and yet they'd be giggling in sync or one would reach forward and hit the other. They were perfect for each other and Changkyun was in the way.

It's too soon, is the first thought that Changkyun has, bright lights flashing above him. Ahead of him stood the men he had been training with for what now feels like  _ forever,  _ three more of those people stood beside him. He wouldn't be up there with them, though, surely. Gunhee would have to take the spot, there's no way he could've beat him. Another name was called, two spots left. Kihyun was oddly silent, not allowing any thoughts to enter Changkyun’s head. He was sure the other would've been mentally screaming with joy over his own debut but there was nothing, not even a lick of emotion to tickle his own mind.

"The sixth trainee to debut," Changkyuns knees felt weak, his head pounding so hard he thought he was going to pass out, "is," Changkyun squeezed his eyes shut,  _ Gunhee, _ "I.M, congratulations." Time froze as he stood there, legs shaking. His body unconsciously began to fall forward and he just nearly saved himself from falling. The bile sat in the center of his throat, waiting for him to vomit. Gunhee has to be next. Changkyun walked forward, slowly raising himself up onto the slightly elevated platform. He pulled his hood over his eyes, holding his head low. Gunhee has to be next. "The seventh trainee to debut is," please be Gunhee, "Minhyuk, congratulations." Changkyun buried himself further into his hoodie,  _ no, no, no.  _ He couldn't stop his thoughts, _ I don't deserve this. No. Gunhee.  _ Even mentally, his voice cracked at the name of his older rapper friend. 

Kihyuns eyes burst open, jaw slightly dropped as he turned his head to stare at Changkyun, the noise around him drowning out. Self-deprecating thoughts immediately drowned out anything Kihyun could even begin to think. _Not worth it._ _Don't belong. They don't like me. Jooheon…_ a pause and Kihyun heard a muffled sob, _fuck._ The second they were allowed to get off their platforms, Kihyun tried to walk towards Changkyun, his mind still full of horrible thoughts from the younger boy. Before he could even step down, Changkyun disappeared behind a door and was running. Kihyun quickly gave Shownu a hug, the older already reaching forward, and darted after Changkyun. His legs burned and his eyes were watery. He's my soulmate? I treated my soulmate like _that_? The words felt like poison, his heart twisting and lungs burning. 

Kihyun stopped running when he couldn't hear Changkyun’s footsteps any more, the only sound was a body hitting another. 

Changkyun held Gunhee tightly from behind, his arms wrapped around the others waist, head on his back. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were supposed to debut, not me." Gunhee laughed softly and turned around, pulling the youngest rapper in for a tight hug. "Hey, don't apologize. You beat me fair and square, Changkyun. You deserve this, alright? Don't… don't pity me, alright? Do better than you've ever done before. Don't half-ass anything but don't work yourself to death either," with that Gunhee pulled back and slightly glared at him, "make more friends than just Jooheon." Changkyun laughed, the noise hollow and forced, "of course… I'll make friends with guys who hate me." He nodded, dipping his head back down to press against Gunhee's shoulder. The older rapper sighed and shook his head, tightening his hold on the other, "that's not true, Kyun. They're just… blinded by the need to debut. Their hunger to win. You became a sudden threat but now that it's over, they don't see you like that anymore. Now you're their cute little maknae." Changkyun laughed, shaking his head. "I have to go now, Changkyun. I promise I'll visit and… and you have my number, right?" He nodded, "good. Text me whenever, kid." Gunhee pulled back from the hug and with one final wave, got into a car. He watched as the vehicle disappeared behind the opening further away before letting his knees give out, falling forward onto the ground. The pain was easy to ignore when there was vomit building up.

A warm hand pressed against his back and Changkyun was sure it would've been Jooheon except... it's smaller than Jooheons...

A warm voice filled his head,  _ you deserve to debut, Changkyun _ . 

_ Dread. _

He had been dreading this moment for so long that he wasn't even shocked to hear the other say his own name. The youngest finally allowed himself into the small nook in his mind, feeling Kihyuns hand just barely twitch,  _ I'm so sorry.  _ Kihyun sighed and tried to lift the boy, his  _ soulmate? _ up. Changkyun co-operated, beginning to stand up with the help of the others. "Stop apologizing, Changkyun. Don't feel bad that you won. You won over the audience being here nearly half the time we were. You deserve it." Sobs filled the small hallway, Changkyun hiding in his sweater again, closing the soulmate nook off once more. Kihyun frowned but helped pull the other to the car waiting for them outside. The second Jooheon spotted them, he pushed open the door and ran out, quickly taking Changkyun from Kihyun, holding him up more easily. The other immediately melted into his Hyung, something he hadn't done with Kihyun. The vocalist frowned, had he… had he fucked up? 

"I'm sorry." Changkyun continued to mumble against Jooheon, the other continuously sighing in response. 

When they reached the dorms, the pair disappeared behind closed doors. The others had already taken their stuff out. Jooheon pretended it didn't hurt as he gently laid Changkyun down on his bed. "I'm so sorry, Hyung. I shouldn't have ever debuted." Jooheon had enough. He reached forward and flicked the youngest in the forehead, "Stop apologizing. Gunhee already had a feeling this was gonna happen and gave me enough of an emotional heartache this morning, keep yours to yourself. Plus, he may not be debuting with me but he's still annoying and clingy in my head." Changkyun sniffled, looking up at Jooheon, he spoke without thinking, "Kihyun is my soulmate." Jooheons eyes opened wide, lips parting into an o shape. "What? He never said anything- you! Uh, sorry. Explain everything please?" And so Changkyun did. He started from the beginning, when he found out, to that day in the practice room, to today.

"He only found out today as well. I didn't want him to know, I probably would've never told him if I didn't lose my self control. Since... he deserves someone better." Jooheon reached forward and flicked him again, "Stop. That. Brat. Stop belittling yourself. Do you want me to talk to Kihy-" Changkyun immediately covered the other’s mouth as the door opened. Shownu peaked his head in and smiled, "are you hungry?" Jooheon immediately dropped their conversation to instead follow their eldest Hyung, giving Changkyun one final friendly glare. 

The youngest pulled the blankets over his head and let the tears begin to silently fall again.  _ If I wasn't here, Jooheon could be with his soulmate. I'm such an idiot.  _

The door slammed open and then clicked shut, the sound of the lock turning followed. "Sit up." Kihyuns’ voice grumbled, pulling the blankets off of the youngests body. Changkyun slowly slid up until he had his back pressed against the wall, still trying to hide from the other. Me pressed his sweater covered hands against his face, letting the sleeves absorb the salty tears that had collected. He dropped them once he felt satisfied with his dry face. "Your thoughts. Explain them. What do you mean by 'if I wasn't here.'" Changkyuns lips pursed, hands itching against his wrists, a nervous habit he picked up in Boston whenever he had to do school presentations, "I…. I mean… you know...if I wasn't  _ here _ ." Kihyun sat on the bed and reached towards Changkyun, hitting his chest repeatedly, "don't say things like that! You  _ won! _ And yet you're here thinking you should be  _ dead!?"  _ Kihyun's voice was shrill with anger and worry, worry? His fists finally stopped hitting him, landing against the younger boy’s chest, curling in his sweater. Kihyun leant forward and pressed his forehead against Changkyuns right collarbone, a small sniffle sounding. "Is it because of me?" "Huh? Is what because of you?" Kihyun sniffled again, squeezing his eyes shut, "do you feel like this because of how I treated you. Did I make my own soulmate want to… die-" Kihyun cut himself off with a small sob. Changkyun sat frozen. He could lie and say it wasn't partially Kihyuns fault or he could tell the truth and… and what? Make Kihyun feel awful? "No. You didn't."  _ You did. _ Kihyun’s eyes went wide and he sat up, eyes rimmed red and cheeks covered in splotches, "which one is it… yes or no."  _ Fuck _ . Kihyuns hand shook as he reached up to cover his own mouth, tear ducts profusely creating more tears. Kihyun stood up on shaky legs, quickly leaving the bedroom. Changkyun takes a moment before following, just barely making it in time to open the bathroom door before Kihyun could lock it. The vocalist fell in front of the toilet and his body convulsed as he shot forward, knuckles turning white as he gripped the sink counter and the edge of the shower. Changkyun sat beside him, holding his hair back and rubbing along his neck area.  _ I'm sorry I treated you like that. I'm so sorry my own jealousy blinded my… basic fucking human compassion. _ An apology isn't something Changkyun ever expected to receive. He also hadn't expected Kihyun to cry against his chest and tell him he  _ deserved  _ to be here after they had all basically acted like he  _ cheated _ to get to where he is now.

The sudden confession made his own eyes refill with tears.  _ Can you accept me as a soulmate? Even though I'm not good enough?  _ Changkyun asked and immediately regretted it when the older throws up harder, beginning to dry heave over the basin.  _ Sorry. Shouldn't have asked th-  _ Kihyun cuts him off, voice desperate and scratchy,  _ please stop apologizing. I'm the one who should be sorry, Changkyun. I… literally bullied you to the point of you wanting to  _ end your life _ and I'm your fucking soulmate. _ Kihyun sobbed, choking on his tears,  _ it wasn't just you, Hyung. I'm sure that doesn't help but you weren't the sole reason I've been… feeling this way.  _ Kihyun blindly reached a hand forward and flushed the toilet, standing up onto shaky knees, he filled his mouth with tap water and sloshed it around, sitting it out seconds later. He desperately wanted to brush his teeth but didn't want the risk of ruining them because of the stomach acid. He slowly turned around and faced Changkyun, wrapping his arms around him,  _ do you accept  _ me _ as your soulmate, Kyun? Even after all I've put you through. _ Changkyun froze, eyebrows furrowing and arms glued to his sides. How did this go from him feeling like he wasn't enough to Kihyun crying on his chest?  _ Yes. I do. Do you?  _ Kihyun nodded, hair puffing up as it made contact with the cotton sweater below. "I'm going to make it up to you, okay?" He asked quietly against his neck before stepping back, taking Changkyun’s hand into his own. He pushed open the bathroom door and walked out, dragging a confused rapper along. They walked into the makeshift dining room area and Kihyun sat down beside Minhyuk, pulling Changkyun down with him. He raises their hands up, moving the connected parts together to show everyone, "Kyun is my soulmate." Jooheon smiled lightly, stuffing a piece of chicken into his cheeks. "Can everyone please apologize to him? We've treated him like shit since he walked into that restaurant." Hyungwon nodded, "I've been meaning to talk to you, Changkyun. I'm sorry for how cold we were towards you and how unsupportive we behaved. You're our maknae now, part of the team. I'll do my best to treat you as such." The pretty boy tilted his head forward and Changkyun’s eyes went wide as the other members also bowed in apology. He reached to raise the body of the person closest to him, which happened to be Wonho. "Stop bowing! It's weird! All of you stop!" He pleaded, desperately holding Wonhos head up. The older boy laughed softly and enveloped Changkyun into a brief hug before quickly letting go and scooting back. The awkwardness was still there, of course it would be. 

Shownu spoke next from beside Jooheon, "I apologize. I deeply regret my behavior and I wish I could take it back. The frustration built up and clouded any and all judgment I had. You don't have to forgive us, not now. It takes time to heal and the pain we caused you will take a lot of time to scan over. Physical pain heals quick, emotional pain is complicated and fragile. As leader, I promise you can come to me with any complaints you may have about my behavior or the others." Changkyun bit his bottom lip, desperately trying to hold back his tears. "I… thank you all. You're right, Hyung, it will take time but that was… the most you've _ever_ spoken to me," he looked at Hyungwon, "either of you and it's… it's a start. A good one" He gave a small smile before turning to Kihyun, "I can't forgive you, yet, either, I didn't even want to tell you we were soulmates." Kihyuns smile dropped but he held onto the small promise Changkyuns words held. 

_ Yet. _

He nodded and squeezed his soulmates hand tightly, entering the nook as he turned towards the food,  _ I'm not someone who's great with words or...  _ expressing  _ my feelings… Minhyuk calls me emotionally constipated _ \- Changkyun chokes on the lettuce he hid shoved into his mouth, coughing loudly. Wonho quickly hands him a bottle of water, gently patting the youngests back. Kihyun smiles into his chicken,  _ and I am, truly. But I want to try, okay? I want to try and speak my mind and be kind to you. I want to treat you well, Changkyun. Show you I'm not the asshole that you sadly only know me as.  _

Changkyun bit into a bit of his rice, holding back the small smile threatening to build up,  _ I trust you _ . 

And if the words made Kihyun silently cry into his plate of food, nobody told him or brought it up. 


End file.
